I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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