When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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