Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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