About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
