I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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