I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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