I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
