I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My breasts were aching with rage.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
