Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
