dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
