Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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