dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
