Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I am available for nakedness
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
