you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
