If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Every concussion has its silver lining
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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