we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
