Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
