It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
