someone threw a dead crab at me
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
