I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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