worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
