Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
