ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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