I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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