I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
