I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
