Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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