What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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