even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
