Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
