roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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