I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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