dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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