We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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