Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
