Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
