y did u give ur computer a hand job?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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