I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
