You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
