Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize