I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
