you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
