oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
