You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
you told grandpa to call you daddy
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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