I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
