You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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