My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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