If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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