Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
