Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
