Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
