i was born a porn star she said
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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