Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
