i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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