hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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