when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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