Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
