I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
