I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
