He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
