I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
